A few days ago, I sat down and just thought. Something I do very often and I came to the conclusion that I am all hemmed up in my world. I can’t breathe, I badly need to cry, I think to myself that I need help but I have no idea how I will sketch to this person without inciting some sort of judgement. I feel like I am in a deep hole and I cannot get out. I am not as bubbly as I usually am and very few people notice this. I take most of what people tell me as a statement of “you have no idea what I am about, but let me just smile and say thank you because you at least tried to understand.” Anyway I live my life following the same routine. It’s driving me insane. From the waking up and not wanting to leave my bed to the constant use of my phone even to the same taste of food even bedtime is so typical each and every time. I sometimes try and wake up with a good mood, you know, maybe something interesting will pop up in my day, or someone will warm my heart. Something you know? Others, I am feeling really dead inside I am even cold. Nobody makes sense, and everything is painfully annoying. Sigh. I need an escape. This is a song I sing everyday but I lack the means to find the perfect one mainly because I am feeling tad bit too lazy. Or is it laziness? I don’t know. But I must find one. Writing is one of them. Writing. It makes me smile. It even sounds like a really good idea in my head. At least I would like to think so. This is of course until writers block comes and does a number in my head and nothing makes sense anymore. I should probably travel. TO WHERE AND WHOSE MONEY WILL I USE REALLY? If only it was free. Too bad it isn’t. I cannot seem to find the solution, so I will stick to my plan… writing and doing the same thing each and every day. This by the way is not too interesting. There are a few honestly interesting individuals in my life though, my friends who make me laugh and really happy inside and mad too…oh so anyway I also try my best to listen to new music, not the latest, but people I have never given the chance to listen to. That’s another very interesting thing I have tried to be up to. I barely dance these days not as much as I used to BUT i am surely impressed by the various talents that are beyond Beyonce’ and the rest of these people guys keep listening to. Oh this is an escape… as well, a musical type of adventure. I have read a few books as well, they keep my thoughts calm. Each page I touch leaves me lighter and for that time I can pretend to be the writer or the character in the book. Reading other peoples flow of thought has always been interesting to me. Gives me some sort of consolation that I am not the only one with an insane type of thought process. There are various peaks of my life I want to reach, facts about me I’m not entirely proud about but at least I’d like to think that this is the process we all know as growth. I can’t understand most of it, probably I do not want to understand this mystery. This is a dose of my Quarter life crisis. What is it anyway?
They say once you reach the age of 20 so many things happen. We get to learn about so much in life that we did not even imagine. Which is true because somehow with this age comes lots of responsibilities, a tsunami of all types of feelings, the urge and need to be perfect because someone else seems to have their “shit together”, and finally the challenge of seeming sober to an older generation that doubts our inability to think hehehe (I can’t judge them cause they actually have legit reasons)
So seriously what is this thing? Quarter life crisis? Honestly I do not really know the real definition of this, but I will try my best and spell it out in a way I know it. So here goes; I believe that this is a point in time in life when life slaps us with reality and we do not really know how we want to deal with it. Hence the confusion. So many things are revealed to us, like not everyone can become a doctor, lawyer, pilot or God knows what you imagined yourself to be when you were younger. It is a point in life as well when the things we thought were really cool do not appeal anymore, we have bills to think of, less sleep, feelings flying left right and centre. Basically, here, in this zone, we are like eagles when they get to the point where they have to pluck their feathers and remove their beaks in order for them to grow.
I do not know if my post made sense this time, but I decided to shed off a part of me. This will probably lead you people onto a better understanding of who I am and what I am about. I have been trying my best to put this post together for the longest time and I think that this one will do this time.
and so I sign out.
Lots of love,